In the beginning…


Becoming “mom” was a bit of a journey…it took us many years to conceive…many years, many pregnancy tests, many emotions, many dark days, many questions and many prayers. We worried and waited and worried some more and finally we just settled on “if it’s meant to be for us, it will be”.

I knew from the beginning that fertility would most likely be an issue for me due to my PCOS.  I also knew that hormone therapy and anything medically beyond conceiving naturally wasn’t the route I wanted to go down.  I have issues with anxiety and have had courageous walks with depression in the past that have been controlled with therapy and medication.  I didn’t want to put my stable-ness into jeopardy trying to have a baby.  Having said this, I did take initiative with my state.  I changed my lifestyle drastically to alleviate the symptoms of PCOS…I exercised more, I changed my diet to eliminate sugars, refined carbs and dairy.  I also introduced essential oils into my life and implemented a routine to promote fertility with them.  I really worked hard at eliminating chemicals and I prayed a lot.  Not that I would get pregnant but that I would be ok with whatever was meant for us in our life.  I finally got to a point where I was healthy and I was honestly ok with where I was.  I had “let it go to the universe” and then I was pregnant!

I didn’t really let myself believe the 4 pregnancy tests I took and even after my first doctor’s visit where a positive pregnancy was confirmed I still held my breath.  I didn’t want to let myself get excited and I certainly didn’t want to get attached to the idea that we were going to become parents.  Not until the first ultrasound did I let myself fall and truly give in to the joy that I was going to be a MOM!  And boy did I fall…I had a decent pregnancy, nausea, low energy, low lying placenta, low blood sugar issues but what was never low was my excitement and feelings that I was truly blessed. And then, before we knew it we were going in to be induced and after a fairly textbook labor (very quick but very textbook) there was our little E and we were living breathing parents.  I became a mom and I have been “mom-ing” hard ever since.

At this point in the game my little guy is soon to be 2 and the one word I would use to define motherhood would have to be “contradiction”…your emotions are constantly contradicting themselves through the day…what other “occupation” or role in life leaves you feeling so satiated and so drained all in the same second?! As a self-proclaimed control freak this is one of my biggest struggles with motherhood and I’m not just talking about not being able to control the situations in life now but more so the emotions…and that’s not necessarily a bad thing!  I always knew that as much as I was put in the role of “MOM” to teach and raise my son, I was ultimately going to be taught so much more by him.  And I have already been so completely right about that!  He is teaching me something absolutely every single day.  If he’s not teaching me about his likes and needs, he’s teaching me about my own.  He’s teaching me to be a stronger woman…an advocate of our family and of him. He’s teaching me to stop and listen, and taste, and smell and see again. He’s teaching me to be kinder to myself so that I can be kinder to others.  He’s teaching me to be present.  He’s teaching me to have faith in people, to ask for help, to admit when I’m tired/exhausted/overwhelmed/unsure.  He’s teaching me to be a better person.  He’s teaching me to be a Mom and I know I have so much more to learn and I am so excited (and if I’m being honest, a little intimidated) for all that entails!

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